by Bob Shields

WE'VE all seen them - noisy, rude, hostile, threatening to some and positively frightening to others.

But are they "neds"? "Yes," says Jack McConnell, who pledged tough action against unruly teens.

"No," says Scottish Socialist Rosie Kane, who asked MSPs to ban the word "ned" as it was "insensitive".

But who are these neds? BOB SHIELDS takes a wry look at some of the most common varieties

Neddus Beggarus AKA: The begging ned.

Habitat: Around cash machines, post offices and supermarkets - anywhere the public are likely to be handling money.

Appearance: Stangely, the allegedly impoverished ned is usually among the best dressed - the latest Nike or Adidas trainers with designer jackets.

Behaviour: This ned is one of the most threatening in that they actually approach you. "Gonnae gie us..." is their verbal introduction, followed by "a fag", "a light" "50p" or the ubiquitous "oany change".

It is usual to ignore this, which will prompt the cry: "F*** off ya w****r."

AKA: The drinking ned.

Habitat: Near off-sales, licensed corner shops, in parks, under bridges or disused properties. Too young to be served in pubs and clubs

Appearance: Eyes glazed, unsteady or just lying down, usually with a can or bottle in their hand.

Behaviour: The boozing ned's biggest problem is finding the money for his next drink. He'll target bus stops or corner shops for the chance to grab a handbag or a shopping bag from the unwary.

Also prone to vomiting - and they don't care where.

AKA: The driving ned.

Habitat: The front seat of a battered small car, with windows down and blaring out rotten music. Most don't care that the cars are unlicensed or uninsured - the cars are probably stolen or formers write- offs with new plates.

Almost invariably, they sport expensive, stolen sets of wheels.

Appearance: Baseball caps and sunglasses hide these drivers from the curious eyes of the police.

Behaviour: Posing in their cars, impressing girls, is their preferred behaviour. But to pay for the petrol, they might have to run some drugs or stolen goods. They have total disregard for other road users and even pedestrians.

AKA: The sunbathing ned.

Habitat: These dyed blond neds are named after milk bottles - they're white with a gold top. Found in most parks or even grassy roundabouts in the summer.

Appearance: Stripped of their tops, they have puny white bodies which haven't seen sunlight since last September.

They rarely take off their long trousers as this would mean removing their status symbol jogging pants.

Some sport tattoos with a rude slogan or the name of their favourite football team.

Behaviour: The most docile of neds because they're out to rest in the sunshine. Some crossover with the Neddus Buckfastus breed. Venture too close and some may react with the cry "Whit are you lookin' at ya f****** dobber?"

AKA: The double-wide ned.

Habitat: Everywhere. The double wide ned will occupy the space of all the others.

Appearance: Same as all the above except with a bit of gold around their neck - usually a thick chain - and a Burberry baseball cap.

Behaviour: The Wide Doublus makes his living from selling dubious goods. The merchanside is described with phrases like "It's no a snidey wan, man" - the goods are genuine - or "The quality is pure mad mental right oot its heid"- the goods are of a particularly high standard.

AKA: The sensitive ned.

Habitat: Nowhere. But, according to Scottish Socialist MSP Rosie Kane, they do actually exist.

Appearance: Invisible. If you see any one of the above "neds", then you are experiencing some kind of optical illusion or apparition.

No matter how they behave, intimidate or even frighten passers-by, they are simply genuinely misunderstood teenagers with hearts of gold.

Behaviour: These "neds" are usually in floods of tears. Being called a "ned" has upset their sensitive state of mind.

If Rosie gets her way, they'll soon be found outside solicitors' offices, queuing to sue the media and the public for daring to call them "neds" in the first place.